Lie #3 You Complete Me
The Disney movie “Enchanted” tells a humorous story of princess Giselle (played by Amy Adams) who spends her whole life waiting for her prince charming. She sings about him, dreams about him, and eventually encounters him as he saves her from a giant troll who is trying to eat her. Immediately, she recognizes her dream is fulfilled, life is now complete. It appears he is experiencing the same sort of feeling and they are immediately engaged and set to be married. Of course, these plans are thwarted by a treacherous stepmother who ships her off into the real world (the non-animated world) and leaves her to figure out “real” life rather than the fantasy world she was living in.
As the movie progresses, she realizes that perhaps 1 day of knowing someone isn’t enough time to discover if they are the missing puzzle piece to your life (go figure). Instead, she learns that the man who rescued her in the real world (played by Patrick Dempsey) is the one she needed all along and she gave it a full 5 days or so before getting engaged to him. The moral of the story: life will be complete when you find the right person.
While this is not Disney’s only formula, in fact it is making fun of the old “Princess and Prince” formula Disney typically followed, it still bespeaks a very prominent thought in our society: life will be complete, better, happier… (insert your choice of positive adjective here) if I can find the right person to share it with.
Now, before we flat out attack this cultural norm, let’s consider what the Bible says about the matter.
“Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” - Genesis 2:18
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”– Genesis 2:24
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” - Proverbs 18:22
Couple these passages with the many examples of God’s blessings upon and through marriages, we don’t want to take this to an extreme in saying that we shouldn’t have a happy relationship with our spouse, should God bless us with one. So where does the danger lie when it comes to our cultural expectations in a marriage? Rev. Dr. Timothy Keller in his book Counterfeit Gods describes it in this way:
If you get married… putting the weight of all your deepest hopes and longings on the person you are marrying, you are going to crush him or her with your expectations. It will distort your life and your spouse’s life in a hundred ways. No person, not even the best one, can give your soul all it needs.[1]
This imagery of “crushing” your spouse with your expectations I find to be a very powerful way to look at our relationships. When you turn to your spouse as someone who needs to make you happy, bring joy into your life, or “complete you”, you are putting a weight upon their shoulders that they simply cannot bear. Not because you are not compatible with them, but because you are attempting to make them replace God in your life.
The problem is, our spouse is likely the closest person to us that we will ever have in our life and, because of that, we often put a lot of weight upon their shoulders. For example, if you have a long day at work, or an issue with a coworker or boss or family member or whomever, where is one of the first places you go? In a typical marriage, that is almost always a weight you put upon your spouse. Why? To vent? To receive comfort? To find a solution to the situation? Either way, it’s very easy to blur the line between what your spouse can do (listen, care about you, perhaps offer some advice) and what you actually need.
When we blur this line and put expectations upon them that they cannot possibly meet, they will be crushed, and we will walk away feeling like they perhaps do not “complete us” as well as they ought. Then, society will begin to tell us that maybe they aren’t the right person for us in the first place. Weeks, months, and years of these expectation and weight continuing certainly leads to a broken relationship and possibly its end, all together. Rather than allowing this to destroy our relationship, consider St. Paul’s words in Philippians 4:19
“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”
A great question to ask yourself as you are bringing up a problem or putting a weight on your spouses is: have you brought this to God yet? If the answer is no, if you haven’t even considered it, then there is a good chance you are putting a heavier weight upon your spouse than they can handle. You are bringing a problem to them that they are not equipped to resolve or looking to them for comfort in a way they cannot possibly provide for you.
God promises to be for us our comforter (2 Corinthians 1:4), our joy (Psalm 16:11), our peace (John 16:33), He is the one we need to be training ourselves to look to. In Him we find our identity (Ephesians 2:10). If you attempt to make it your spouse’s goal to accomplish any of these things for you, you are going to crush them.
Think about it in this way. Imagine carrying a heavy backpack full of big heavy rocks labeled “my self worth”, “my joy, “my happiness” and handing that to another person, expecting them to pick it up and carry it around. It doesn’t matter what kind of shape they are in, that weight is too much for them to carry around through life. They will eventually collapse under the weight and, when they do, you will feel no better for it. Your problems will not be resolved and your suffering will not end, in fact, it will only get worse. Your spouse cannot complete you, only God can make you whole.
So here is the lie the world tells you: find someone that “completes you”. Put the world on them and, if they don’t hold it, they’re not good enough for you. In response, God says: “put the world on me. I’m the only one who can handle it.” (Exodus 20:1-3). If you find yourself frustrated with your spouse and feeling like they’re the problem, start by examining your faith life. There may be things you should be putting on God that you are, instead, trying to put on them. Instead, give it over to God. Let Him bear the weight of your struggles, turn to Him to find your identity, your joy, and your peace. Then bring that joy, peace, and identity into your marriage so you and your spouse may share in it together. In Christ, you are already made whole — and from that wholeness, you are free to love your spouse not as your savior, but as the gift God has given you.
Note 1: this article did not address situations where your spouse is abusive or casting all of their burdens upon you and you are weighed down by that weight. This is certainly a topic that bears more detailed examination and I by no means am looking to neglect this in the simplicity of this article. I want to point out that this blog is specifically focused on spotting and confronting idols and lies in your life. Hence, my approach to this article is in relation to the way you interact with your spouse. Marriage certainly is a two-way street; however, regardless of what your spouse is doing, there cannot be peace in your marriage if you are actively making your spouse into an idol. If you are experiencing a situation in your marriage where your spouse is abusive or otherwise damaging your relationship, I recommend you do not keep it to yourself but also refrain from talking to people who are going to give you advice contrary to the Word of God or be echo chambers to empower you to abandon the relationship. Speak with your pastor, marriage counselors, and other people who you can trust will equip you to handle these situations in a Godly way.
Note 2: I will begin my second to last semester here at seminary at the end of next weekend, so I am going to postpone all future blog posts for the foreseeable future. I apologize for this and I am so thankful and encouraged by all of your support, kind comments, and inspiration you all have provided as I have been posting. I am not confident I’ll have the time to write a blog each week with my class load as well as my additional work at church (both of which are things I am very excited about). I do plan on continuing blogging in the future and, when I do, if you are signed up on my email list (see the box below) I will send out a notification announcing when I will be starting my blogs up again. Until then, I pray God will continue to bless you as you strive to serve Him in the communities and vocations in which He has placed you. Thank you again for following along with my blogs!
[1] Keller, T. (2011). Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promises of Money, Sex, and Power, and the Only Hope that Matters (pp. 38–39). New York: Riverhead Books.
