Chapter 4: Cracked Confidence and the Cost of Calling

What do you do when you’re faced with a situation where the knowledge you thought you had on a subject turns out to be inadequate?  Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was going into the Seminary entry exams blind, but I had been a student of the scripture and Lutheran theology all my life.  I was feeling good when I received my log-in information and sat down for the first test. I don’t even have to do perfectly, passing score is 70%, how hard can that be? I thought to myself.  

I had decided to begin with the New Testament exam, after all, it would have the smallest amount of material it could quiz you on, and it was probably the section of the Bible I had spent the most time studying throughout my life.  I made a quiet place for myself in my room and accessed the exam.  Question after question rolled by and my confidence began to shake.  The knowledge began to leave me.  Sure, some of the questions were obvious, but the majority of them left me guessing between two possible answers.  Then there were those occasional questions that were so obscure I had to close my eyes and click a random option.  By the time I was wrapping up the final question, I was just praying I’d have enough to get a 70 on the test and move on with the next exam. 

The loading screen seemed to take an eternity, but I soon discovered I had been feeling better in the time of anticipation than I was when my score was revealed: 62%.  I’d failed my first exam, and the one I figured would be the easiest of the three.  As much as I wanted to sulk, I knew I didn’t have time.  I had to get my first attempt at these tests completed in the next 3 days and I had too much going on to not just try and take them all in one sitting.

Well, I guess Lutheran Doctrine should be next.  I know my theology well… I think… My confidence was rocked.  I signed into the doctrine exam with less hope of passing than I had with the New Testament.  The first few questions helped me rebound.  They seemed fairly simple and more straightforward than the ones in the New Testament exam.  I tried not to dwell too long on any given question, giving each one a 10-15 second deliberation time before I forced myself to make a choice.  Some of them came easily, others were an enigma.  I filled in the bubble for my last question feeling no better about the doctrine exam than I had the New Testament.  It paused on the loading screen for a second or two and then out popped my score: 68%.  Exam #2, failed. 

There was a bit of resigned relief that came along with failing the second exam. If I can’t pass these two, I may as well just take this last one for fun and get my first attempt out of the way.  I had no thought that, having failed the other two likely simpler exams, I would pass the third (and hardest) one on my first attempt.  The first few questions solidified this resignation, as I had no clue how to answer them.  By the time I was done with the exam, there was no anticipation.  I knew I had failed.  The “60%” that displayed after the results loaded came as no surprise. 

I sat in my room for a while silently.  Any delusions that the Seminary side of things was going to be simple had been crushed.  Here they were, bending over backward to allow me to pursue what I thought I needed to do, and here I was failing exams that should have been simple.  I tried to justify it in my head by the fact that I had been in a “flight school” mindset and put all my energy into learning about aerodynamics and what not, but I knew that wasn’t valid.  I should have been able to pass those tests.  Now, not only was I losing some of my original momentum, but I was also questioning my own understanding of my faith.  This isn’t to say I questioned what I believed but more how much I knew about what I believed. 

I gave Pastor Kueker a call and let him know I had not passed the tests on the first try.  He encouraged me that the tests were designed to be difficult and require a higher level of knowledge than an average Christian would have off-the-top of their heads.  He was very kind in the way he addressed it, but I found little comfort in this encouragement.  He then recommended to me three books I could use to help boost my scores on the test.  He sent me a link to where to purchase them from the seminary website.  “These are the books the tests were written from, that’ll be the best way to prepare for taking the tests a third time.” He told me. 

I ordered the books that day.  It was Tuesday 29 March, 2022, the soonest any of the books would arrive would be Friday April 1st.  That would leave me 15 days to study the three books and retake the tests.  After some time, I went out of the room and let Rachel know the news.  She reassured me that I’d be able to pass them on future attempts. 

“All of your scores are so close, you only need to get two or three more questions right on your next attempt to pass!” She reassured me.

I knew this was true.  In fact, I really wasn’t that concerned that I wouldn’t be able to pass the tests.  Reading, studying, and digesting large amounts of information in short periods of time has always been something I’m good at.  Internally I was struggling with something deeper. 

I am about to quit something I’ve been very excited about and working toward for a long time, and now I’ll not only be quitting something for the first time in my life, but I’m also failing at something for the first time!  I kept racing through this thought in my mind.  Quitter and failure.  These were thoughts that I knew were not helpful to have.  I did not invite them on myself nor did I make any attempts to entertain them as the circled through my head, but I couldn’t get rid of them.  The stress was getting to me, turning my thoughts into a vile poison that were trying to reshape the way I looked at the world and even the way I interpreted the events of my past. 

Maybe I have failed at more things in my life but I was just too proud or naïve to recognize it!  I began racing through different events in my past and, as the poison infected them, I began to see what I’d always counted as accomplishments become examples of my incompetence. 

I had to get out of my own head.  We took the family on a walk.  The weather was nice that day.  Rachel and I talked through it for a while.  The mix of fresh air, physical activity, and her words served as an antidote to my poisonous thoughts. 

John (6) and Ruth (5) on one of the walking trails that was just outside our neighborhood in Pensacola.

As I reflected on it, I found a deeper appreciation for Rachel and her support.  She certainly could have made things difficult for me.  I was about to make a decision for our family that would upset the entire course of everything we were picturing for that point in our lives.  She would have to help prep for a move again, go into a smaller living situation, and try to figure out how to adapt to a far more meager lifestyle than we had experienced in at least 3-4 years.

Yet she never once got frustrated with me, she didn’t complain, she simply walked along side me and encouraged me that God was going to carry us through this just as He has through everything else in our life.  Without her support I have no doubt I would have been unable to have the courage to face all of the trials that lay ahead of us. 

I ended the day in the proper headspace and ready to attack the new challenge of studying for and passing the entry exams, but something bigger lay ahead of me: tomorrow was Wednesday and I needed to report back to my Lieutenant to officially begin the process of dropping out of flight school…

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